Things I Haven't Done in So Long

If you knew

The rights I changed,

the damage I have done,

Would you still be willing,

To be the one?

So much, my dear,

Can never be changed:

The race wrongly lost,

Time stolen away,

Nothing to negate the cost.

If I told you,

Of the pain I caused,

The lie fallen from my lips,

Would your faith,

Still my failures eclipse?

Guilt and strife

Correct nothing;

This I know

 Yet, oh, so strong,

Is their undertow.

If I could

Show how different

I would be,

Would you stay

Long enough to see?

Conditionality

All relationships are conditional. Friendships to lovers to forever couples to parent-child, they are all conditional. One must not deviate from certain perimeters, whether those perimeters are physical, personality, mental, or emotional. When those boundaries are crossed, the relationship takes a heavy blow; if it isn't destroyed, the relationship must be rebuilt around the change.

I have been crossing boundaries in most of my close relationships for months now. Some of changes are well known, obvious. Others I have not dared to say.

Coming to university, being on my own, being able to make choices for me and only me has changed many things about myself. A good portion of the changes have been radical, so radical that I wonder if I was repressing or pretending prior to the move. Others have just been from new experiences, new people, new perspectives. Some are just the natural change in one's personality over time.

In any case, I've known that some of the these changes were coming; they have been coming over time. Some have caught me completely by surprise. Both types have been kept pretty closely under wraps, especially from people in Oregon. Part of it is that I have always had a ridiculous guilt complex and don't like to upset people; upsetting the status quo tends to really make people **pantomimes brain explosion**

Unfortunately, keeping these changes to myself by either avoidance, omission, or outright topic-switching, has made my extremely stressed out. I have a hunch that trying to make other people happy for my entire life radically changed who I was in my young(er) life. It isn't anyone else's fault. I felt that I caused many problems for people around me, so I tried to be as unobtrusive as possible...or just tried to do the exact opposite of what was expected *cough* (boyfriends) *cough*

Between all that, I don't know that I ever figured out who I was. Now, in most ways, I am still the exact same person that I was: I still don't care what the general population thinks of me; I take great pride in my intelligence and use it to separate me from others; I am pretty antisocial; I like to be in control. In other ways, in many ways the little things, these have changed, in ways that don't matter to some people, but could potentially be very important to some of the people closest to me.

I don't want to loose those people from my life, yet being honest about who and what I am could make them turn their backs on me. What I am realizing, though, is that, as important as these people are to me, if they can't accept who I am, it makes no sense to keep on pretending. There is no reason to keep pretending other than to keep the peace, but the peace is eating me. If it is all to go away, can't it at least be because I can't hide who I am?

In numerable ways, I am terrified of showing those closest to my over my history. I am terrified of seeing them walk away, turning their backs, of seeing the disapproval in their eyes.

In a few ways, that are growing, I am finding that there are a few people, people who accept me. People who think I am strong and amazing and challenging, but they believe my being challenging is a positive aspect. I will have a little more time with the status quo as it is. After that, I need, for my own sanity, to come clean. I hope they can still accept me. If they can't, I have been alone before and I have a few people who will stay, through these changes, at least.

Wait for It...

Not really. If you, the reader, have been waiting for a new post, I'm sorry. I don't have a concrete reason I haven't written more, but I haven't. Now I'm back.

I don't know who all reads these. That is part of the beauty of blogging, from my perspective: I can say almost anything and it doesn't matter, partly because I don't go by my IRL name, and partly because, even IRL, I don't usually care much what people think of me. There are some things I won't say on here. Some I think are too private. Some are not mine to write. Some, and a very few are they, I won't say because I fear losing some of the few people I love.

Today has been one of my "days." "Days" in quotations are different from Days. Capitol-D Days are when nothing seems to go right. "Days" are times - not necessarily 24-hour periods - when I am completely miserable, but don't know why.

I have been having several thoughts about which I could write. Many probably deserve their own post; I do not have the energy for such things right now. I guess I'll just see how many I get done before I must sleep.

I am going back to Oregon in May. It was supposed to only be a two-ish week trip. Now I'm staying for three months. I mostly wouldn't care. I have to leave Kona here, in Ohio. Kona is my horse, for those who aren't aware. I have never been away from him for three months before. From the time we breed his mom, I have never been away from him for more that a month. Not ever. He is my baby and I am terrified that something will happen to him and I won't be here for him. Other than that, there is a significant, for me, list of people I do not want to see back in Oregon. In a way, coming to Ohio was a way to run away from them. Mostly, Ohio was chasing a future I want.

I try not to make people choose when I argue. I don't like to argue in general, but when I do, I try to minimize the emotional casualties. I'm usually rational enough to talk myself down from the brink of making someone choose. When I'm not, I don't usually tell the person that I'm making them choose. I listen and I watch, and I decide from there on what side the individual is. I did that a couple months ago. There was exactly one person from my class of 18 that I kept in touch with after leaving Oregon. Something happened and I made him choose. He did not choose me/my side. Those who know me, and those who have read much of this blog probably know I am not the type to call a cease-fire. So, now, in the entire world, I consider myself to have four friends. There are two or three with potential to become friends, but they are all likely to leave my area of the universe before I form enough of an emotional attachment to consider them true friends.

I am not a crier, but I am a topic-jumper. There is one actor that had created tides of emotion in me unmatched by pretty much anything else anywhere in my existence. That actor is David Tennant. I watched him - a character played by him - die twice in one night earlier this week. I bawled both times, even though one of them I knew his final line and the other wasn't actually David Tennant, but another actor playing th older version of David Tennant's character. Thirty minutes into one of the story lines I was already crying, which almost never happens.

I have "days," as mentioned earlier. Some are harder than others. Today was pretty bad. I know that there are people to which I matter. I do not think I should. From my perspective, the only change I have brought to their lives is negative. Some have told me that my decision made their life better, but they can't know that. Maybe their lives would have been better if I had not done what I did. These are the "days" I wish time energy would catch up to me, erasing me from existence, making it as though I never existed at all.

Those are the days I am so miserable I simply function for lack of other options. It isn't a desire to die. It is more a wager that the world, the entirety of time and space and life would be better for the lack of me.  For, really, what good have I brought to the world? What can I do? I have expectations so much higher for myself than for others. One person can change the world, or begin the change, or inspire the change, or be part of the change. I, though, I must do so much more to deserve my existence. How can I look into the Untempered Schism and run or be inspired or go mad? I must do something more to accept that the universe did not make an error in allowing me to be born.

I am nothing. As nothing, I deserve no friends, no love, no support. Yet I have those things. It makes no sense to my brain. I am not intelligent enough to incite change. I am not emotional/soft/friendly enough to help or comfort. I am not calculating enough to do what must be done. I am not strong enough to save anyone. I am not strong enough to sacrifice myself. I am not objective enough to see the universe clearly. I do not have the faith to believe there is a higher purpose. I am not enough anything to be something, but I am to  something to be nothing at all.

I am unarguably strange. I was working a few days ago, mucking stalls by myself. I do this on such autopilot that my mind wanders, sometimes far, sometimes not so much. This time, my mind ventured to one of the furthest points from what I would expect. It wasn't how a bicardiac system would work. No, it was what I would do, legally, for settlements, for school, for work, for Kona, for my family, if I was raped while studying abroad and was impregnated by said rapist. I was on about this in an internal conversation - yet another reason I am strange - for more that half an hour before realizing how extremely disturbed such thoughts are.

I believe in love. I have seen examples, people so much in love after decades that romantic comedies are pathetic by comparison. I do not believe in love for me. I am to too and not to enough at the same time. I am too rational and not emotional enough. I do not want to fall in love, nor do I expect to, end. There is no blue french horn in my future, not even temporarily.

I have an idea, sparked by something I found on StumbleUpon. I may start another blog documenting this project. It feels so raw and honest that I find it extremely appealing. I may link to it, if I do this. If I don't, I will link to what inspired me.

I must sleep.

Adieu,

-Genni

Considerations

Duh, duh, dun da da duh! The Hunger Games movie is released in less than a month!

I liked the entire trilogy, parly because of the story line, partly because - though not great literature - the writing was good, and, mostly, because it made me think.

I shall try to avoid any spoilers, but I make not promises. Readers have been duly warned.

I spent a good bit of time considering of what I am capable. I think that is a pretty natural reaction to books or movies such as these. I do not mean I spent an hour, or even a day, thinking about me, about where I stand and how strong the biological imperitive is to survive. No, I've considered such topics since I read the first book back in November and haven't stopped yet.

I generally don't get involved in political debates or conspiricy threories. I find, by my own reconning, that most people are either willing to believe anything anyone with any semblance of authority says or find conspiricy at every turn, even in the middle of the road. I am a combination. I like to consider myself an analytical individual. If something doesn't add up to me, it doesn't matter who said it; it has to make sense.

The idea of being part of a rebellion/revolt/riot/coup is utterly foriegn to me at this point. Yes, I believe many parts of the government need to be changed. I believe people need to change, both how - or if - they speak and how they act. Maybe it is how I was raised, maybe it is just my personality, maybe it is both, but I don't understand the idea of attacking people when the issue is seperate. "You can't kill an idea," I don't remember from where that is, but I agree. An idea does not belong to one person; it is a shared concept of reality and how to incite change.

Overthroughing a government, at this stage, in the first world countries, I find extremely premature. Yes, the govenmental systems aren't particularly efficient, at least in the U.S.A.; I can't comment on other countries. War is unnecessary; there are other solutions. If everyone would think, truely think for his or herself, one may find that the issues are not so difficult.

For instance, same-sex marrige has been, is, and will continue to be a sensitive issue for many people. I don't think it needs to be. The arguements against seem to be 1) the system will be abused and 2) "it's wrong in the eyes of the Lord." The arguement for, is, of course, that if two people "love" eachother, they should be able to recieve the benifits of a long-term, legally recognized union, no matter the orientration, gender, race, etc., provided both parties are legally able to make the choice: of legal age, not under duress or bribery, of sound mind, etc.

Here is how the situation is resolved. It would not take much at all. Marrige becomes a religious union. Civil unions are filled with the state. Those currently "married" are automatically filled for a civil union after the passing of this hypothetical law. Then, persons desiring a legal union file for a civil union. Those with a civil union can be married by the religious habits/beliefs if allowed by the religious group. For those not yet married/civil-unioned, a civil union must be in place to reciece the benefits of a legal union; if those so choose, they could also be married. After all, church and state are supposed to be seperate; why does religion apply at all to who should be legal tied to whom? It wouldn't take much to change it, and the sancity of religions could be maintained. I would suggest, though, that the number of people in each civil union be limited to two.

As for the "abuse of the system" idea, anyone can abuse the system; it is extremely incorrect to imply that any couple is more likely to abuse to system than any other couple based upon those involved with the union. In other words, a male-female couple is just as likely to abuse the system as a couple composed of (pick any two, each choice may be picked twice): male, female, trans-sexual, post-op, pre-op, and whatever other ones need to be included so as to not leave out any varity of human. 

If people in general stopped nit-picking at opinions and started looking at a resolution instead of a fight, how many "social issues" could be resolved?

Anyway, the point is, one of my favorite things about the trilogy is how it made me think about where I would be in a rebellion, what I would do.

The other consideration I have been paying mind to since reading the books, is of what I am capable. If I were placed in a situation where my choice was kill or be killed, what would I do? Would I even try to survive? Would I be able to actively try to end someone else's life? I am pro-capitol punishment; some might say that is on par with murdering someone. I honestly do not know. I do know that I would hunt if that is what  it took to survive. I prefer not to eat meat, but I have that choice right now and it doesn't affect how much food is available to me. I'd rather eat meat than die.

I suppose I just wanted to make the point that any book, even a fully fictional, non-propaganda book can make one think if he or she chooses.

Adieu,

-Genni

"Mockingjay" Review

About three hours ago, I finished Mockingjay, the last book in the "Hunger Games" series by Suzanne Collins. I liked it pretty well. Refresh, I really liked it; in fact, it became the third or fourth book to ever make me cry. It didn't make me bawl like Where the Red Fern Grows did, but still, a few tears fell.

Anyhow, the generally story was, as usual, very good. The writing was pretty spectacular. Like Catching Fire  though, I felt like it was a little rushed, as though Ms. Collins was tied to a certain length. On the other hand, I liked everything that happened in the book. So much did happen, though, that either the book needed to be longer or something needed to be cut. I liked the book; I liked what happened; parts of the book seemed a ploy to keep people interested.

Over all, I liked the book, and, unfortunately I can't say much more about it without giving something away to readers. The ending was good, satisfactory, and touching, as well as most of what any reader wanted. I'll write more about the series in general.

Cheers,

Genni

Living Louder, A Good Bit Louder

Top three feelings in my world: Cantering on a horse, feeling the drums and bass in my chest at a concert like my entire body is vibrating, and finally understanding a mathematics thing that had me confused.


Top three worst feeling in my world: Feeling stupid, saying something that made sense in my head without enough explanation so someone thinks I am stupid - or a supporter of human breeding like the Nazis - and hitting that low where my day cannot possibly get worse without me losing my mind. 


I'm trial running a new format tonight. I went to the Everything is Fine/Symphony Soldier concert in Cleveland last night, which was spectacular. Some of the songs stuck in my head. I'll use lyrics, mostly from songs played last night, to introduce a new point about my life. Allons-y!


"And I want to live, not just survive tonight." "Angel with a Shotgun" by The Cab
That was more or less the feeling I had this morning, under the "I want to keep sleeping," that is. The day did not turn out that way. It was definitely a "survive, and barely" day. After the excitement high I was on last night, it was even harder to take. Speaking of which, last night, I certainly felt alive. I was right next to a speaker, less than a foot from the stage. When the bands we playing, the drums and bass in my bones, the lyrics in my head, jumping with three hundred other people, it was like sharing a heartbeat. 


"I'm an angel with a shotgun, fight until the war's won; I don't care if heaven won't take me back." "Angel with a Shotgun" by The Cab
For me, I just have that personality about most things. I want to accomplish something, I will. Whatever the cost to me, I will make it happen. Maybe it won't happen when I want it to, but it will happen.


"No one, one lives forever. We will be remembered for what we do right now [...] only the good die young, but the great will always last." "Living Louder" by The Cab
I don't really care if my memory lasts. I do want to accomplish something. I don't want to be remembered for being, doing, saying, and seeing nothing. Make the most of what I have, the lyric is a good reminder of this.


"This is a fight I refuse to lose." "I'll Run" by The Cab
Last year, in September, I told Gabriel: I am not good at being bad at things. It's true. I am not good at failing. I don't handle it well. I will go, again and again, until I have done whatever it was to a passable degree in my own mind. Which is why I will spend a ridiculous amount of time studying Biology the term t compensate for sounding dumb.


"I'm no angel; I'm just me." "Endlessly" by The Cab
I am not perfect. I can't be. I will try; I will fail. I will not be perfect in anyone else's eyes, and I won't try. I don't always say things clearly. Sometimes I swear, though usually in ASL now. I am not particularly pretty, talented, or intelligent, and I am not very friendly. But I am loyal, I work hard, and I insist on doing my best. Someday, perhaps someone will want what I have to offer. 


"...Swallow the words I was meant to say." "Vegas Skies" by The Cab
I tend to do that, want to say something, then change my mind. I usually end up wishing I had. Unlike today. I don't usually speak in class. In Bio, though, I did, twice. The first time, I apparently made my professor think I am a proponent of the Nazi human breeding program. The second time, I just got shut down, saying something without enough background on my thought process. I had actually changed my mind about saying what I did; I should have just said, "Never mind."


"Calm your nerves, don't worry, and just breathe." "Take my Hand" by The Cab
I should live by these words. I am a stressy person. I have often said that if I weren't stressed, I wouldn't know what to be.


"Who put that rock in your chest, won't you tell me? If I said I wished you the best, I was lying. Waking up just brings me down." "Lovesick Fool" by The Cab
I have thought for a while that I am not as emotional as the average person; unfortunately, without a brain scan, I have no solid evidence. Waking up usually reminds me how awkward I am and how much I do not fit in with other people. No fun.


"Your mouth, it moves, but fails to speak." "Bounce" by The Cab
I am blunt. Well, I'm either blunt or far too wordy. But honest, I am that. I often offend people. Those who lie, I don't understand them. How does one come to know someone who doesn't speak his or her thoughts?


"I'm your one and only only when you're lonely." "Temporary Bliss" by The Cab
There are several people I have applied similar sentiments to over the years. The list keeps growing, quickly.


"I bet you thought I'd through the fight, oh, you don't know just how low I can go." "The Boys You Do (Get Back at You)" by The Summer Set
I have mentioned in previous posts how most acquaintances I have formed since coming to uni have fallen apart. To a few, I have demonstrated some of the venom I have, and recently. I don't particularly like picturing myself as vindictive, but I can be. 


"[...] that got me shaking like an addict." "Must be the Music" by The Summer Set
As I've said, today was not a good day. I was on the brink of a meltdown when I went to lunch before work. The cafeteria was really crowded. So I ate in about five minutes. While I was there, I saw someone to whom I knew I should talk. I was talking about wanting volunteering work over the summer, and someone suggested I talk to this guy. He's a forth-year, looks like Danny O'Donoghue - at least enough for a double-take - and is something of a distance runner on the track team. I've been intrigued by him since the end of September, though I'd never spoken to him before today. I don't know why he intrigues me, which makes me more curious. Anyway, he volunteers at camps for special needs kids over summers - according to the person who suggested I talk to him, he's practically eligible for sainthood. I wanted more information. He was leaving the cafeteria at the same time I did, so, having nothing more to lose today, I asked him about it. Presumably he had a class, so he asked for my e-mail address. I went to write down my uni e-mail address, only to see my hands shaking like a crack fiends. It's not like I wasn't already embarrassed, talking to a guy so far above me on the social hierarchy or anything. Of course, he was very nice, even shook my hand. He probably thinks I am completely mental.

"If you want promises, baby I got 'em; bought a plastic ring if you want it." "About a Girl" by The Summer Set
I am sick of promises. I am not actively wanting a boyfriend; it is there, in whatever region of my brain concerned with the biological imperative to procreate. That region hasn't realized that if I decide to have children, I will adopt. In any case, plastic rings are utterly sweet.

"Young and restless, dumb and fearless, fighting in the streets, will you remember me?" "When We Were Young" by The Summer Set
I don't particularly miss any of my ex interests or boyfriends. The two "official" relationships I have had were tumultuous, to say the least. As bad as they were, as naive as I was - and in many ways still am - and as brutal as the breakups were, I remember them. I hope I am not as easy to forget as I believe. Someday, maybe they will miss me, regret the choices they made. I don't regret mine.

"I'm moving on; living well is the best revenge." "Mannequin" by The Summer Set
I am determined to become all that I plan to be. I have moments of both happiness and profound disappointment, but I am living my life, my way. I believe I am living well.

"Jumped on a train, destination: anywhere." "Thick as Thieves" by The Summer Set
Days like today, I want to run away, or run toward a different life. If I didn't have a horse and had a passport, sometimes I think I would go vanish into the 7 billion - or more - people on Earth. Somewhere I am not disappointing people anymore, somewhere I could reinvent myself. But I know my demons would follow me. There is no leaving them behind.

"This will be our year to take it; we'll never be as young as we are tonight." "Young" by The Summer Set
I think it is good to be reminded that we are all dying, that time is ticking away moment by moment. So I go to concerts on a school night, blush profusely over nothing, act all weird when I'm hyper, go to my special place when I'm losing my mind, sing though I'm no good at it, and generally make choices I think will enrich my life; this is the only one I have - and the only one I want.

"There's been a breakdown, a mis-communication, because I can't be everything you want." "More than Lust" by Paradise Fears
This goes to what I said about my Bio class earlier. It also means exactly what it says: I can't be everything "you" want me to be. I can't make myself the genius I would like to be, my mom can't make me religious, and no one else can change my fundamental, strange, Genni-ness. Don't try. "You" are free to make your case for your point of view. I will listen. I don't promise to agree, but I can respect your opinion.

"Maybe I'm alone in this, but I find peace in solitude." "Blame it on the Rain" by He is We
I like being alone. Today, on the heels of having drums resonate in my skeleton, I chose solitude in having headphones in pretty much whenever possible and the volume three times what it usually is. It wasn't as good as last night, but it worked.

"Suddenly I'm feeling brave, don't know what's got into me." "All About Us" by He is We
When I'm suddenly feeling brave, it usually means I have nothing more to lose. Such as today with Distance Runner. Hearing this song last night, with Brian Dales from The Summer Set singing as well, I had dreams I didn't even know I had come true. And I have it recorded.

"Inhale, breathe steady, exhale, like you're ready, ready or not." "Happily Ever After" by He is We
I am not ready for my life, not for university, not for being around people so much, not for how much failure is possible. But my life is here and now. I may not be ready, but I have to do my best; I won't have a second chance.

I didn't have a lyric from last night's concert for this next little bit. I didn't see NeverShoutNever last night, but it is one of those songs.

"I've got my friends, but they don't know I've lost my soul." "Complex Heart" by NeverShoutNever
I've spoken to my mom about this, a couple other people. Today really solidified it for me. I've never been particularly emotional, but this was beyond non-emotional. In my Forensic Biology class, we started going over trauma injuries. Seeing pictures of multiple stab wounds and a nearly decapitated head were a little startling. The professor doesn't include those for shock value; it is relevant to the information. It wasn't that big of a deal to me. I sit in the front row, so I don't know how anyone else reacted. Then we went through gun shots. That was more interesting than disturbing. Until about halfway through class. There was a picture of a boy, four to six years old, I would guess, who had been shot point-blank in the temple, just behind his eyes. I didn't react a whole lot; like I said, I don't know if anyone else did. Internally though, I didn't really react either. About all I was was incensed by the senseless murder of innocent people, especially a child. How could I not react more? What is wrong with me? Granted, it's probably a good think since I plan to work with the dead.

Please, remember: I took the lyrics far out of context for my own purpose. The songs are almost all love songs.

If you need a little cheering up, this song is really, really sweet and I've listened to it thirty or so times writing while writing this. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5TdgpoG00m0

Thank you if you read the whole thing. If you didn't, I won't know; it was long.

- Genni

Quick Update on the Craziness That is My Life

Hey everyone!

I just have a few free minutes right now and don't know when I will again, so here's a little tidbit.

My schedule was busy before today. I made it much more hectic today. I added an riding lesson (horses) once every two weeks. I am now auditing - unofficially - a French conversation class twice a week. I am also meeting with a French professor once a week and possibly a French tutor another day. I'm also helping two guys that were in my French class last term in French in exchange for them teaching me about British culture.

Basically, I've dropped the idea of keeping up with some television shows. I am going to be really busy, especially for the next six weeks; after that I'll have an extra four hours a week! I'm going to try to post pretty regularly. Please don't hold it against me if I don't. I want to still make YouTube videos, but we'll see how that works.

Au revior et j'taime,

-Genni