About three hours ago, I finished Mockingjay, the last book in the "Hunger Games" series by Suzanne Collins. I liked it pretty well. Refresh, I really liked it; in fact, it became the third or fourth book to ever make me cry. It didn't make me bawl like Where the Red Fern Grows did, but still, a few tears fell.
Anyhow, the generally story was, as usual, very good. The writing was pretty spectacular. Like Catching Fire though, I felt like it was a little rushed, as though Ms. Collins was tied to a certain length. On the other hand, I liked everything that happened in the book. So much did happen, though, that either the book needed to be longer or something needed to be cut. I liked the book; I liked what happened; parts of the book seemed a ploy to keep people interested.
Over all, I liked the book, and, unfortunately I can't say much more about it without giving something away to readers. The ending was good, satisfactory, and touching, as well as most of what any reader wanted. I'll write more about the series in general.
Cheers,
Genni
Friday, February 17, 2012
Friday, February 3, 2012
Living Louder, A Good Bit Louder
Top three feelings in my world: Cantering on a horse, feeling the drums and bass in my chest at a concert like my entire body is vibrating, and finally understanding a mathematics thing that had me confused.
Top three worst feeling in my world: Feeling stupid, saying something that made sense in my head without enough explanation so someone thinks I am stupid - or a supporter of human breeding like the Nazis - and hitting that low where my day cannot possibly get worse without me losing my mind.
I'm trial running a new format tonight. I went to the Everything is Fine/Symphony Soldier concert in Cleveland last night, which was spectacular. Some of the songs stuck in my head. I'll use lyrics, mostly from songs played last night, to introduce a new point about my life. Allons-y!
"And I want to live, not just survive tonight." "Angel with a Shotgun" by The Cab
That was more or less the feeling I had this morning, under the "I want to keep sleeping," that is. The day did not turn out that way. It was definitely a "survive, and barely" day. After the excitement high I was on last night, it was even harder to take. Speaking of which, last night, I certainly felt alive. I was right next to a speaker, less than a foot from the stage. When the bands we playing, the drums and bass in my bones, the lyrics in my head, jumping with three hundred other people, it was like sharing a heartbeat.
"I'm an angel with a shotgun, fight until the war's won; I don't care if heaven won't take me back." "Angel with a Shotgun" by The Cab
For me, I just have that personality about most things. I want to accomplish something, I will. Whatever the cost to me, I will make it happen. Maybe it won't happen when I want it to, but it will happen.
"No one, one lives forever. We will be remembered for what we do right now [...] only the good die young, but the great will always last." "Living Louder" by The Cab
I don't really care if my memory lasts. I do want to accomplish something. I don't want to be remembered for being, doing, saying, and seeing nothing. Make the most of what I have, the lyric is a good reminder of this.
"This is a fight I refuse to lose." "I'll Run" by The Cab
Last year, in September, I told Gabriel: I am not good at being bad at things. It's true. I am not good at failing. I don't handle it well. I will go, again and again, until I have done whatever it was to a passable degree in my own mind. Which is why I will spend a ridiculous amount of time studying Biology the term t compensate for sounding dumb.
"I'm no angel; I'm just me." "Endlessly" by The Cab
I am not perfect. I can't be. I will try; I will fail. I will not be perfect in anyone else's eyes, and I won't try. I don't always say things clearly. Sometimes I swear, though usually in ASL now. I am not particularly pretty, talented, or intelligent, and I am not very friendly. But I am loyal, I work hard, and I insist on doing my best. Someday, perhaps someone will want what I have to offer.
"...Swallow the words I was meant to say." "Vegas Skies" by The Cab
I tend to do that, want to say something, then change my mind. I usually end up wishing I had. Unlike today. I don't usually speak in class. In Bio, though, I did, twice. The first time, I apparently made my professor think I am a proponent of the Nazi human breeding program. The second time, I just got shut down, saying something without enough background on my thought process. I had actually changed my mind about saying what I did; I should have just said, "Never mind."
"Calm your nerves, don't worry, and just breathe." "Take my Hand" by The Cab
I should live by these words. I am a stressy person. I have often said that if I weren't stressed, I wouldn't know what to be.
"Who put that rock in your chest, won't you tell me? If I said I wished you the best, I was lying. Waking up just brings me down." "Lovesick Fool" by The Cab
I have thought for a while that I am not as emotional as the average person; unfortunately, without a brain scan, I have no solid evidence. Waking up usually reminds me how awkward I am and how much I do not fit in with other people. No fun.
"Your mouth, it moves, but fails to speak." "Bounce" by The Cab
I am blunt. Well, I'm either blunt or far too wordy. But honest, I am that. I often offend people. Those who lie, I don't understand them. How does one come to know someone who doesn't speak his or her thoughts?
"I'm your one and only only when you're lonely." "Temporary Bliss" by The Cab
There are several people I have applied similar sentiments to over the years. The list keeps growing, quickly.
"I bet you thought I'd through the fight, oh, you don't know just how low I can go." "The Boys You Do (Get Back at You)" by The Summer Set
I have mentioned in previous posts how most acquaintances I have formed since coming to uni have fallen apart. To a few, I have demonstrated some of the venom I have, and recently. I don't particularly like picturing myself as vindictive, but I can be.
"[...] that got me shaking like an addict." "Must be the Music" by The Summer Set
As I've said, today was not a good day. I was on the brink of a meltdown when I went to lunch before work. The cafeteria was really crowded. So I ate in about five minutes. While I was there, I saw someone to whom I knew I should talk. I was talking about wanting volunteering work over the summer, and someone suggested I talk to this guy. He's a forth-year, looks like Danny O'Donoghue - at least enough for a double-take - and is something of a distance runner on the track team. I've been intrigued by him since the end of September, though I'd never spoken to him before today. I don't know why he intrigues me, which makes me more curious. Anyway, he volunteers at camps for special needs kids over summers - according to the person who suggested I talk to him, he's practically eligible for sainthood. I wanted more information. He was leaving the cafeteria at the same time I did, so, having nothing more to lose today, I asked him about it. Presumably he had a class, so he asked for my e-mail address. I went to write down my uni e-mail address, only to see my hands shaking like a crack fiends. It's not like I wasn't already embarrassed, talking to a guy so far above me on the social hierarchy or anything. Of course, he was very nice, even shook my hand. He probably thinks I am completely mental.
"If you want promises, baby I got 'em; bought a plastic ring if you want it." "About a Girl" by The Summer Set
I am sick of promises. I am not actively wanting a boyfriend; it is there, in whatever region of my brain concerned with the biological imperative to procreate. That region hasn't realized that if I decide to have children, I will adopt. In any case, plastic rings are utterly sweet.
"Young and restless, dumb and fearless, fighting in the streets, will you remember me?" "When We Were Young" by The Summer Set
I don't particularly miss any of my ex interests or boyfriends. The two "official" relationships I have had were tumultuous, to say the least. As bad as they were, as naive as I was - and in many ways still am - and as brutal as the breakups were, I remember them. I hope I am not as easy to forget as I believe. Someday, maybe they will miss me, regret the choices they made. I don't regret mine.
"I'm moving on; living well is the best revenge." "Mannequin" by The Summer Set
I am determined to become all that I plan to be. I have moments of both happiness and profound disappointment, but I am living my life, my way. I believe I am living well.
"Jumped on a train, destination: anywhere." "Thick as Thieves" by The Summer Set
Days like today, I want to run away, or run toward a different life. If I didn't have a horse and had a passport, sometimes I think I would go vanish into the 7 billion - or more - people on Earth. Somewhere I am not disappointing people anymore, somewhere I could reinvent myself. But I know my demons would follow me. There is no leaving them behind.
"This will be our year to take it; we'll never be as young as we are tonight." "Young" by The Summer Set
I think it is good to be reminded that we are all dying, that time is ticking away moment by moment. So I go to concerts on a school night, blush profusely over nothing, act all weird when I'm hyper, go to my special place when I'm losing my mind, sing though I'm no good at it, and generally make choices I think will enrich my life; this is the only one I have - and the only one I want.
"There's been a breakdown, a mis-communication, because I can't be everything you want." "More than Lust" by Paradise Fears
This goes to what I said about my Bio class earlier. It also means exactly what it says: I can't be everything "you" want me to be. I can't make myself the genius I would like to be, my mom can't make me religious, and no one else can change my fundamental, strange, Genni-ness. Don't try. "You" are free to make your case for your point of view. I will listen. I don't promise to agree, but I can respect your opinion.
"Maybe I'm alone in this, but I find peace in solitude." "Blame it on the Rain" by He is We
I like being alone. Today, on the heels of having drums resonate in my skeleton, I chose solitude in having headphones in pretty much whenever possible and the volume three times what it usually is. It wasn't as good as last night, but it worked.
"Suddenly I'm feeling brave, don't know what's got into me." "All About Us" by He is We
When I'm suddenly feeling brave, it usually means I have nothing more to lose. Such as today with Distance Runner. Hearing this song last night, with Brian Dales from The Summer Set singing as well, I had dreams I didn't even know I had come true. And I have it recorded.
"Inhale, breathe steady, exhale, like you're ready, ready or not." "Happily Ever After" by He is We
I am not ready for my life, not for university, not for being around people so much, not for how much failure is possible. But my life is here and now. I may not be ready, but I have to do my best; I won't have a second chance.
I didn't have a lyric from last night's concert for this next little bit. I didn't see NeverShoutNever last night, but it is one of those songs.
"I've got my friends, but they don't know I've lost my soul." "Complex Heart" by NeverShoutNever
I've spoken to my mom about this, a couple other people. Today really solidified it for me. I've never been particularly emotional, but this was beyond non-emotional. In my Forensic Biology class, we started going over trauma injuries. Seeing pictures of multiple stab wounds and a nearly decapitated head were a little startling. The professor doesn't include those for shock value; it is relevant to the information. It wasn't that big of a deal to me. I sit in the front row, so I don't know how anyone else reacted. Then we went through gun shots. That was more interesting than disturbing. Until about halfway through class. There was a picture of a boy, four to six years old, I would guess, who had been shot point-blank in the temple, just behind his eyes. I didn't react a whole lot; like I said, I don't know if anyone else did. Internally though, I didn't really react either. About all I was was incensed by the senseless murder of innocent people, especially a child. How could I not react more? What is wrong with me? Granted, it's probably a good think since I plan to work with the dead.
Please, remember: I took the lyrics far out of context for my own purpose. The songs are almost all love songs.
If you need a little cheering up, this song is really, really sweet and I've listened to it thirty or so times writing while writing this. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5TdgpoG00m0
Thank you if you read the whole thing. If you didn't, I won't know; it was long.
- Genni
Top three worst feeling in my world: Feeling stupid, saying something that made sense in my head without enough explanation so someone thinks I am stupid - or a supporter of human breeding like the Nazis - and hitting that low where my day cannot possibly get worse without me losing my mind.
I'm trial running a new format tonight. I went to the Everything is Fine/Symphony Soldier concert in Cleveland last night, which was spectacular. Some of the songs stuck in my head. I'll use lyrics, mostly from songs played last night, to introduce a new point about my life. Allons-y!
"And I want to live, not just survive tonight." "Angel with a Shotgun" by The Cab
That was more or less the feeling I had this morning, under the "I want to keep sleeping," that is. The day did not turn out that way. It was definitely a "survive, and barely" day. After the excitement high I was on last night, it was even harder to take. Speaking of which, last night, I certainly felt alive. I was right next to a speaker, less than a foot from the stage. When the bands we playing, the drums and bass in my bones, the lyrics in my head, jumping with three hundred other people, it was like sharing a heartbeat.
"I'm an angel with a shotgun, fight until the war's won; I don't care if heaven won't take me back." "Angel with a Shotgun" by The Cab
For me, I just have that personality about most things. I want to accomplish something, I will. Whatever the cost to me, I will make it happen. Maybe it won't happen when I want it to, but it will happen.
"No one, one lives forever. We will be remembered for what we do right now [...] only the good die young, but the great will always last." "Living Louder" by The Cab
I don't really care if my memory lasts. I do want to accomplish something. I don't want to be remembered for being, doing, saying, and seeing nothing. Make the most of what I have, the lyric is a good reminder of this.
"This is a fight I refuse to lose." "I'll Run" by The Cab
Last year, in September, I told Gabriel: I am not good at being bad at things. It's true. I am not good at failing. I don't handle it well. I will go, again and again, until I have done whatever it was to a passable degree in my own mind. Which is why I will spend a ridiculous amount of time studying Biology the term t compensate for sounding dumb.
"I'm no angel; I'm just me." "Endlessly" by The Cab
I am not perfect. I can't be. I will try; I will fail. I will not be perfect in anyone else's eyes, and I won't try. I don't always say things clearly. Sometimes I swear, though usually in ASL now. I am not particularly pretty, talented, or intelligent, and I am not very friendly. But I am loyal, I work hard, and I insist on doing my best. Someday, perhaps someone will want what I have to offer.
"...Swallow the words I was meant to say." "Vegas Skies" by The Cab
I tend to do that, want to say something, then change my mind. I usually end up wishing I had. Unlike today. I don't usually speak in class. In Bio, though, I did, twice. The first time, I apparently made my professor think I am a proponent of the Nazi human breeding program. The second time, I just got shut down, saying something without enough background on my thought process. I had actually changed my mind about saying what I did; I should have just said, "Never mind."
"Calm your nerves, don't worry, and just breathe." "Take my Hand" by The Cab
I should live by these words. I am a stressy person. I have often said that if I weren't stressed, I wouldn't know what to be.
"Who put that rock in your chest, won't you tell me? If I said I wished you the best, I was lying. Waking up just brings me down." "Lovesick Fool" by The Cab
I have thought for a while that I am not as emotional as the average person; unfortunately, without a brain scan, I have no solid evidence. Waking up usually reminds me how awkward I am and how much I do not fit in with other people. No fun.
"Your mouth, it moves, but fails to speak." "Bounce" by The Cab
I am blunt. Well, I'm either blunt or far too wordy. But honest, I am that. I often offend people. Those who lie, I don't understand them. How does one come to know someone who doesn't speak his or her thoughts?
"I'm your one and only only when you're lonely." "Temporary Bliss" by The Cab
There are several people I have applied similar sentiments to over the years. The list keeps growing, quickly.
"I bet you thought I'd through the fight, oh, you don't know just how low I can go." "The Boys You Do (Get Back at You)" by The Summer Set
I have mentioned in previous posts how most acquaintances I have formed since coming to uni have fallen apart. To a few, I have demonstrated some of the venom I have, and recently. I don't particularly like picturing myself as vindictive, but I can be.
"[...] that got me shaking like an addict." "Must be the Music" by The Summer Set
As I've said, today was not a good day. I was on the brink of a meltdown when I went to lunch before work. The cafeteria was really crowded. So I ate in about five minutes. While I was there, I saw someone to whom I knew I should talk. I was talking about wanting volunteering work over the summer, and someone suggested I talk to this guy. He's a forth-year, looks like Danny O'Donoghue - at least enough for a double-take - and is something of a distance runner on the track team. I've been intrigued by him since the end of September, though I'd never spoken to him before today. I don't know why he intrigues me, which makes me more curious. Anyway, he volunteers at camps for special needs kids over summers - according to the person who suggested I talk to him, he's practically eligible for sainthood. I wanted more information. He was leaving the cafeteria at the same time I did, so, having nothing more to lose today, I asked him about it. Presumably he had a class, so he asked for my e-mail address. I went to write down my uni e-mail address, only to see my hands shaking like a crack fiends. It's not like I wasn't already embarrassed, talking to a guy so far above me on the social hierarchy or anything. Of course, he was very nice, even shook my hand. He probably thinks I am completely mental.
"If you want promises, baby I got 'em; bought a plastic ring if you want it." "About a Girl" by The Summer Set
I am sick of promises. I am not actively wanting a boyfriend; it is there, in whatever region of my brain concerned with the biological imperative to procreate. That region hasn't realized that if I decide to have children, I will adopt. In any case, plastic rings are utterly sweet.
"Young and restless, dumb and fearless, fighting in the streets, will you remember me?" "When We Were Young" by The Summer Set
I don't particularly miss any of my ex interests or boyfriends. The two "official" relationships I have had were tumultuous, to say the least. As bad as they were, as naive as I was - and in many ways still am - and as brutal as the breakups were, I remember them. I hope I am not as easy to forget as I believe. Someday, maybe they will miss me, regret the choices they made. I don't regret mine.
"I'm moving on; living well is the best revenge." "Mannequin" by The Summer Set
I am determined to become all that I plan to be. I have moments of both happiness and profound disappointment, but I am living my life, my way. I believe I am living well.
"Jumped on a train, destination: anywhere." "Thick as Thieves" by The Summer Set
Days like today, I want to run away, or run toward a different life. If I didn't have a horse and had a passport, sometimes I think I would go vanish into the 7 billion - or more - people on Earth. Somewhere I am not disappointing people anymore, somewhere I could reinvent myself. But I know my demons would follow me. There is no leaving them behind.
"This will be our year to take it; we'll never be as young as we are tonight." "Young" by The Summer Set
I think it is good to be reminded that we are all dying, that time is ticking away moment by moment. So I go to concerts on a school night, blush profusely over nothing, act all weird when I'm hyper, go to my special place when I'm losing my mind, sing though I'm no good at it, and generally make choices I think will enrich my life; this is the only one I have - and the only one I want.
"There's been a breakdown, a mis-communication, because I can't be everything you want." "More than Lust" by Paradise Fears
This goes to what I said about my Bio class earlier. It also means exactly what it says: I can't be everything "you" want me to be. I can't make myself the genius I would like to be, my mom can't make me religious, and no one else can change my fundamental, strange, Genni-ness. Don't try. "You" are free to make your case for your point of view. I will listen. I don't promise to agree, but I can respect your opinion.
"Maybe I'm alone in this, but I find peace in solitude." "Blame it on the Rain" by He is We
I like being alone. Today, on the heels of having drums resonate in my skeleton, I chose solitude in having headphones in pretty much whenever possible and the volume three times what it usually is. It wasn't as good as last night, but it worked.
"Suddenly I'm feeling brave, don't know what's got into me." "All About Us" by He is We
When I'm suddenly feeling brave, it usually means I have nothing more to lose. Such as today with Distance Runner. Hearing this song last night, with Brian Dales from The Summer Set singing as well, I had dreams I didn't even know I had come true. And I have it recorded.
"Inhale, breathe steady, exhale, like you're ready, ready or not." "Happily Ever After" by He is We
I am not ready for my life, not for university, not for being around people so much, not for how much failure is possible. But my life is here and now. I may not be ready, but I have to do my best; I won't have a second chance.
I didn't have a lyric from last night's concert for this next little bit. I didn't see NeverShoutNever last night, but it is one of those songs.
"I've got my friends, but they don't know I've lost my soul." "Complex Heart" by NeverShoutNever
I've spoken to my mom about this, a couple other people. Today really solidified it for me. I've never been particularly emotional, but this was beyond non-emotional. In my Forensic Biology class, we started going over trauma injuries. Seeing pictures of multiple stab wounds and a nearly decapitated head were a little startling. The professor doesn't include those for shock value; it is relevant to the information. It wasn't that big of a deal to me. I sit in the front row, so I don't know how anyone else reacted. Then we went through gun shots. That was more interesting than disturbing. Until about halfway through class. There was a picture of a boy, four to six years old, I would guess, who had been shot point-blank in the temple, just behind his eyes. I didn't react a whole lot; like I said, I don't know if anyone else did. Internally though, I didn't really react either. About all I was was incensed by the senseless murder of innocent people, especially a child. How could I not react more? What is wrong with me? Granted, it's probably a good think since I plan to work with the dead.
Please, remember: I took the lyrics far out of context for my own purpose. The songs are almost all love songs.
If you need a little cheering up, this song is really, really sweet and I've listened to it thirty or so times writing while writing this. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5TdgpoG00m0
Thank you if you read the whole thing. If you didn't, I won't know; it was long.
- Genni
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