Conditionality

All relationships are conditional. Friendships to lovers to forever couples to parent-child, they are all conditional. One must not deviate from certain perimeters, whether those perimeters are physical, personality, mental, or emotional. When those boundaries are crossed, the relationship takes a heavy blow; if it isn't destroyed, the relationship must be rebuilt around the change.

I have been crossing boundaries in most of my close relationships for months now. Some of changes are well known, obvious. Others I have not dared to say.

Coming to university, being on my own, being able to make choices for me and only me has changed many things about myself. A good portion of the changes have been radical, so radical that I wonder if I was repressing or pretending prior to the move. Others have just been from new experiences, new people, new perspectives. Some are just the natural change in one's personality over time.

In any case, I've known that some of the these changes were coming; they have been coming over time. Some have caught me completely by surprise. Both types have been kept pretty closely under wraps, especially from people in Oregon. Part of it is that I have always had a ridiculous guilt complex and don't like to upset people; upsetting the status quo tends to really make people **pantomimes brain explosion**

Unfortunately, keeping these changes to myself by either avoidance, omission, or outright topic-switching, has made my extremely stressed out. I have a hunch that trying to make other people happy for my entire life radically changed who I was in my young(er) life. It isn't anyone else's fault. I felt that I caused many problems for people around me, so I tried to be as unobtrusive as possible...or just tried to do the exact opposite of what was expected *cough* (boyfriends) *cough*

Between all that, I don't know that I ever figured out who I was. Now, in most ways, I am still the exact same person that I was: I still don't care what the general population thinks of me; I take great pride in my intelligence and use it to separate me from others; I am pretty antisocial; I like to be in control. In other ways, in many ways the little things, these have changed, in ways that don't matter to some people, but could potentially be very important to some of the people closest to me.

I don't want to loose those people from my life, yet being honest about who and what I am could make them turn their backs on me. What I am realizing, though, is that, as important as these people are to me, if they can't accept who I am, it makes no sense to keep on pretending. There is no reason to keep pretending other than to keep the peace, but the peace is eating me. If it is all to go away, can't it at least be because I can't hide who I am?

In numerable ways, I am terrified of showing those closest to my over my history. I am terrified of seeing them walk away, turning their backs, of seeing the disapproval in their eyes.

In a few ways, that are growing, I am finding that there are a few people, people who accept me. People who think I am strong and amazing and challenging, but they believe my being challenging is a positive aspect. I will have a little more time with the status quo as it is. After that, I need, for my own sanity, to come clean. I hope they can still accept me. If they can't, I have been alone before and I have a few people who will stay, through these changes, at least.